I Accept My Social Anxiety
As the title implies, I’m done fighting my mental state; I need to accept it. I need to acknowledge that it isn’t only social anxiety, but a choice. And by choice, I mean I am disconnected and indifferent to the outside world.
I’m an outcast because I ostracized myself from everyone. But, the outcast I’d been most of my life isn’t true if I didn’t choose to be alone. I enjoy solitude. Only me and these four walls are enough company.
Talking to others through text message, email, or phone call is a waste of time.
Perhaps I’m not only indifferent; maybe I’m not kind. I said talking to others through a phone is wasteful. So, how am I not one? No one can change if the only thing they’re hearing is their thoughts or when a family member speaks to them.
I didn’t add face-to-face from the above text since there’s value in speaking to someone in person. No, video calls don’t count; you need to sense the presence of someone else for a deeper and richer connection. Mingle. Discuss.
I would love more tête-à-têtes, but sadly, I’m currently comfortable with my four walls and feeling ostracized.
You tell me I’m not the only one, or you’re young; you can grow out of it. Very true. Very true. I understand I’m not the only one. I like to think of my social problem this way: suppose 1% of individuals have social anxiety, multiplied by the 7 billion people on Earth. You get millions of people experiencing the same things and thoughts as me.
I’ll reiterate. I’m not alone.
Sure, I’m young. I’m 26 with 27 fast approaching. The funny thing is, when I entered my 20s, and I had the same issue, others told me it was only a phase; Alexander would get over it soon. Well, soon isn’t fast enough. After all, I’m 26, but not only that, I have autism on the spectrum. Everything other’s experience, mostly at 26, hasn’t happened.
Though, I’m not worried. As family and friends have told me, you’re just a late bloomer.
Maybe I am a late bloomer. Right now, I’m a venus fly trap slowly entrapped by roses. Once I make the final transition, I’ll stop believing all those thoughts swarming in my head and won’t be an outcast, given I exclude myself from society.
This all sounds exciting and promising. Will it happen? Can it happen? Only time will tell. After all, I’m a late bloomer.
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. I wasn’t sure about writing this, yet I’m glad I did.